Rejuvenated with a Purpose

What drives any of us to get out of bed in the morning? If I am honest, the two main factors in my daily routine are my wife and my son. They, as I’ve stated before, are my world. I’m sure many people would answer this similarly. But what exists beyond this? Surely there is something more. What am I even talking about?

I would consider this a continuation of my last post. If you missed it, feel free to read here, but the general idea was that I want to be an author of novels, that I thought I had found a publisher, and that they rejected me after my hopes were fully up. No big deal--everyone has been rejected at some time. That experience has led me somewhere new. Not like my toddler that moves from one thing to the next at the speed of sound, but something bigger. Like my drive to be an author may only be a part of my existence.

Full disclosure – I am a Christian. I am not going to use this space to shape your opinions, you can come to those yourself, but I do think it’s fair to be up front about it. If that bothers you, there is very little need to read on. It is important to say, however, because my Christianity defines me and my every decision. To a non-Christian this probably sounds crazy, as it should. If you do not believe in Jesus Christ, then my lifestyle and belief system should be foreign to you in every way, but it does help my life make sense.

Now that I’ve let that cat out of the bag, I’ll continue. I believe that I was put on this earth for a reason. My life should serve a purpose. In the Old Testament prophet Jeremiah’s book, it says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; and before you were born I consecrated you;” and then later in Jeremiah it says, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.” This was God speaking to Jeremiah, but also through Jeremiah, as a parent would, to all humanity. That, in a grand sense, is the plan for each of us. And beyond that, the specific plan, or assignment, for each of our lives.

Has anyone ever had a dream burning deep inside of them? I have. My dreams start with being a novelist, but are much larger than that. They are so big, I know that I could never accomplish them alone. That both excites me and terrifies me simultaneously. The problem in my life has been the focus on my writing has caused me to lose sight of those bigger dreams. The rejection helped fix that.

In the days that have followed the dreaded rejection letter, I have done a great deal of soul searching. The questions keep coming, Why can’t I catch my big break? Why do I want this so bad? Does God really have a plan for me? You may be rolling your eyes and thinking that I need to improve as a writer, become a better self-marketer, give up, and maybe even, you aren’t special and there is no God to make your dreams come true. And those are all OK with me. In fact, all of those perspectives are helpful. They reset me, help me gain perspective and reevaluate my situation.

*Side note – Any person who cannot stand to challenge their faith, really doesn’t have any faith to begin with. Sad but true.

So, where does that leave me? Excited. It puts me in the position to remember what I have always wanted to do, which includes a great deal more than simply becoming a novelist. It has caused me to take a hard look at the world and determine the things that I can’t stand about it. This is the point where you probably think I’m going to go on a rampage against the political agenda of the “left”, the corruption that is infecting our world, or some other stupid opinion that is being lobbed by lazy Christians that apparently don’t own mirrors and can’t see their own role in all of the ugliness. So then what? What exactly do I hate about the world that I want to change?

Answer -

I hate Christian entertainment! I absolutely hate it! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! Why, might you ask? I hate it because it is less than. It is niche. It is not a recruiting tool. It is sub-standard. It serves no purpose. It is often laughable! It makes me look like a dope by association with those Christians that are making it! It is at the center of the irrelevance of the "church" in modern America! Let me repeat, I HATE IT!

Jesus said his kingdom is not of this world. That makes Christians ambassadors in this world for Christ their King--MY KING! It bothers me in ways that I cannot describe when I see the shoddy work being put out in the name of my God, my savior, my king! Why couldn’t a movie with a Christian theme be so well executed that it would have to be considered for Oscar nominations? Why does the writing have to be generic and hokey? That’s idiotic and makes no impact on the world. Why can’t the lyrics to Christian songs be inspired and powerful? Or the melodies be catchy and cutting edge? Why couldn’t those mediums be used to change opinions? Why do these books, songs, albums, movies, etc. have to be produced in such a way that they only cater to people who are already Christian, and re-enforce the belief of non-Christians that we among the Kingdom of God are misguided, less talented, uninspired, silly, crazy, cultish, or beneath them? Why not spend the money to produce something good? Why pretend that something bad is good? Why accept being less than? Why was a talent like Elvis ostracized by the church but is still beloved 50 years after his death by the world? All he wanted to do was sing gospel music that wasn’t acceptable to the modern day Pharisees. That was too good to be true! And finally, why does the Christian world typically run at least 50 years behind the rest of the world?

Does any of this resonate? Christian or non-? Am I the only one who see’s things this way?

I realize that I am in full tangent mode with a lot of rhetorical questions, but I feel a burning desire to know why things are the way they are. If I were going to war, I would want the best armor, the best intel, the best weapons, and the best strategy to give me the best chance to win. So why in a cultural war would I settle for far less than the best in these metaphorical areas? It makes no sense. And so, I come back to my dreams and my purpose. I want to change this!

I want to be a part of a movement toward better Christian entertainment. I want to compete in the cultural war. I want to show off the best of my God, My Lord, My Savior, My King! I want every Christian book, song, album, poem, movie, or biography to be done with excellence and to extend the kingdom of Jesus Christ! I don’t want to be a part of something second best, but a part of something revolutionary like Jesus! I want the world to know the man who sacrificed himself on all of our behalf. And I want to be a part of the revolution that brings salvation, love, joy, peace, happiness, power, and truth. I want to challenge the establishment to be better, not ask the darkness to stop being so dark. I want to stop being associated with idiots… because idiots don’t make things better, they make things worse. They don’t feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, heal the sick, or mend the brokenhearted, they complain, they settle, and they impact very little positive change.

So I ask again, is my dream too much to hope for? Does it make people uncomfortable? Does it turn people off? Well that’s just too bad…It’s my dream and it has me rejuvenated. Why? Because the world is filled with so much darkness and my hope is to invent a better bulb so that I can shine a more effective light.

Where did my 20s Go?

                 I am going to spend the majority of this post linking what’s going on in my life with the sudden disappearance of my 20s. Today is the day I’ve decided that this must go down on paper so that it doesn’t consume me from the inside. So I ask, am I alone in wondering where the great decade, the roaring 20s, have gone?

                Why today? Why is it just now destroying me from inside out? Well, today I was dealt a metaphorical gut punch and it felt like it was thrown by a 20 year old version of  Mike Tyson. So, here’s the deal, my name is Nate. I’m a 32 year old father and husband who is for the most part happy. I love my wife and son more than anything! My wife and I live in a decent sized home on a nice piece of land half way between her work and mine. It’s also the same distance (about 10 miles) to her parents and mine. We have friends that we love. We have family. We have fun. We have decent paying jobs and respect from our peers. From that standpoint, life isn’t so bad.

                So why am I submitting this post where I’m going to whine and pine about gray hair, going to bed early, ever increasing love-handles, and lost freedom? Because, today, I just want to take the opportunity to whine. And maybe, some of you can relate. Maybe some of you can offer some advice. Maybe some of you are still in the prime years and can learn to savor them. And maybe, I just need some shoulders to cry on. Again, not because of my beautiful wife, my wonderful son, my supportive family, my awesome friends, or our decent paying jobs. But, just because. That may not make sense to you, but that’s the only way I can describe it.

                Here’s the deal, I want to be a writer. In high school and early college, I wrote music. It was a genre that I had no business in and fell quickly out of love with, but I was talented and dedicated and I loved writing. From there, I wrote poetry; lots of poetry. Some of it should someday be put to music, but I’m no musician. Looking back through the poems, I see that there were some that were pretty good and that I still enjoy, and some that weren’t very good at all, but I loved it…All of it. I loved imagining the stories. I loved the rhythm and the rhyme. So, I eventually turned my love of song lyrics and poetry into novel form. I’ve tried to write many novels. And what I’ve found is that imagining the stories is even richer and deeper in novels than it is in short form poetry and song lyrics. To quote a line from the movie Mary Poppins, “It’s Wonderful!”

                I spent the majority my free time in my 20s developing as a writer. I struggle with details, that’s my wife’s area of expertise. I’ve always seen the bigger picture in everything. So, I’ve had to grow. I’ve had to force myself to see the details more clearly. I’ve had to find my voice, and I think I’m getting there. I’ve had to decipher the topics that I know about from those that I only think that I know about. I’ve had to proofread over and over, which was a task I hated worse than bedtime when I was in school, but now, I feel I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Needless to say, I’ve spent a lot of time developing my process.

                In 2013, still in my prime, at the ripe old age of 28, I self- published my first novel, The Killer and Boyd Burgess. It cost me quite a bit of money, but I was having zero luck with traditional publishers. The company I used to self-publish was wonderful in a number of ways and I am forever grateful for their help in making my dream of becoming a published author a reality. What I learned was that, I'm not a very good sales person and, without the guidance of a company or an agent, I had no idea how to market or sell that book. That was frustrating because I received positive reviews from those who found and read it. I am very proud of The Killer and Boyd Burgess. Also, I own the copyright (if any publishing companies or film studios are interested😉). So, as a bright-eyed 28-year old, there was a lot of hope and optimism.

                Since, I have worked on many projects trying to find the one(s). What I am learning is that finding the one in writing is a lot like finding the one in love. It doesn't come quickly, but when you know, you know. I am ashamed to say that I started what could eventually be a very good book of smut, but that genre just isn’t me. I have a wonderful poem called, In the Land of Broken Toys that I have no idea how to publish. I also have a children’s book that I am very proud of that I am developing with a talented, aspiring illustrator. And as great as both of those projects will be, I still have the burn to write fiction novels.

                At the beginning of 2016, a co-worker suggested that I take one of my MANY passions and convert it into something fresh. Lightbulb: Has there ever been a great fiction novel centered in the whacky and wild world of professional wrestling? Answer: I don’t think so…So of course, that has been my new love interest. I started putting my thoughts down and by summer, the first draft was complete. It was rough, but, it was a start. Why did I love it? The characters are really good and one specifically that is so dynamic. His name is Bud Starr and he is incredible. I re-read about him and I am swept away, as though I'm reading someone else's work.

                By December, this new novel was at least a good to very good second draft awaiting the expertise of an experienced editor. Now, let me add something. My wife, an 8^th grade language arts teacher, has the skills to be a hell of an editor! She is meticulous and creative and has a genius imagination. Unfortunately, aside from working a demanding job, she is also taking classes towards her master’s degree, and is a fabulous mother to our infant son. Point being, time isn’t on her side…Or mine for that matter.

                But all hope isn’t lost in this story. Actually quite the opposite. A bit of serendipity came my way when my stepbrother gave me a card of a book publisher who was in our small town looking for the world’s most wonderful donut shop. He gave them directions to the famous, Red’s Donuts, and let her know that his step brother happened to be a talented author. What a guy! Seriously, what an awesome Bro! Without letting her know about the connection, I submitted a portion of my transcript to this publisher on December 6^th, 2016. Within the week, the publisher responded and asked for more. 10 agonizing weeks later, she requested for the entire manuscript! For me, now a 32-year old with aches, pains, a child, and several blossoming gray hairs, life was looking up.

                That was until I got the email. It’s the email that nobody wants but everybody gets. It’s the dreaded rejection letter. It was, like most rejections, sweet, and assuring that this was less about me and more about the fit in the company. It was thoughtful. It had a bit of advice. The kind lady even encouraged me to continue submitting my work to her company. It was intended to soften the blow, but, the now 32 year old version of me felt the pain far worse than I had when my first novel had experienced this type of rejection. This version felt it like a freight train. The thoughts of hopelessness, and worthlessness came to the forefront. And the thought of being perpetually trapped in a job that I planned to have moved on from years ago set in…Like way in. Again, not that my job is bad. It’s not. But it’s not writing novels for a living. I’m sure someone reading can relate.

                Everyone I know has been so nice. There have been words of encouragement. My boss could see the devastation on my face and told me to take the rest of the day off (Of course I didn't but I appreciated the gesture). Do you see how good of a life I get to live. I got home and my wife and son cheered me up immediately. I can't tell you exactly what they did other than just be themselves, which was so perfect. In my 20s, I had my wife, though I didn’t appreciate the wonderful woman that she is like I do now, but I didn’t have my son. He is my joy. Seeing him gave me amnesia to my horrid news. They are me reason for manning up and going on. If everyone who was ever rejected had them, the art of rejection wouldn’t even have to be a thing. People could just say what they mean and not worry about feelings. I’m sorry for those of you that don’t have them, or someone like them. I can tell you that I was you in my wonderful, now long gone 20s. It was nice, but now I’m 32, still hoping to publish a great novel, with a better support system than ever, and I’m already done whining about my bad news. Wherever my 20s went, maybe its good that they're gone.

                Give me your feedback if you’d like, and thank you for reading!